Panic in the studio

As I near the end of my fourth year in architecture and my fifth and final year looms over the horizon, I am becoming filled with a constant panic about my future in this field. Most people who know me as an architecture student and see me looking constantly harried and disconcerted probably think that even though that is true, I am still with my head way above the waters. I am barely making it.

Last semester, I failed my six credit design class and will have to take it over in the summer at an additional cost that at this moment, I have no means of realising (but since there is always God, I refuse to be afraid) otherwise I will not be able to graduate. I failed because of many reasons but above all it was because it was and still is becoming difficult for me to just graze by with the most basic of designs. No one knows the feeling of inadequacy that descends over me when my classmates pin up their work. My skills are no where were they ought to be.

My hand sketches, though much improved than they were in my freshman year, are not as strong or as impressive as some of my classmates. I have no real mastery of amy software that I can manipulate in the event that I want to b#%^&*%t my way through a concept. It takes me three times longer than everyone else to build good models. My graphics have never successfully communicated my idea. I even sense that the professors have begun to expect nothing more because if after four years I am still where I am, they must think I have no where to go.

Why can't I do better? Am I not putting in enough effort? Sometimes I am not. I will say that my mind is always occupied with other things. I think it stems from the innate realisation that architecture was not necessarily my dream to practice as a child. It was a suggested career based on what grades I presented to my guidance counsellor at the end of my JSCE exams. Thus, I have laboured through so far, trying and hoping to find my eureka moment that will provide the stability that a college degree is supposed to provide.

I had a crit yesterday. My project did not wow the professors because it did not wow me either. For hours on end, I kept asking myself "Catwalq, what on earth is this that you are doing?"
Yes, I will get the grade for making presentation but as far as yesterfay goes, nothing for concept or creativity. With a mind like mine, this kind of failure seeps in and demoralises everything else. I need help and I need help fast if I am going to be able to fix my GPA to a place where my transcript is even worth presenting upon graduation.

Then there is the issue of studying abroad and not doing well whilst your colleagues are sailing through on the much needed scholarship that might solve some of your problems. I am afraid for myself. Really afraid. Prayer at this point is out of panic.

I return to the drawing board, armed as usual with countless magazines from where I most likely have to borrow other architect's ideas for inspiration. I am resolved to be so much improved by my next pin up that even I will not know whose project is up for presentation.

Wish me luck. And please encourage me to keep to task.